Full On Relapse

Well, it's been a while. 2 and half years to be exact and a lot has happened that I'll start filling you all in on over the coming weeks. Bear with me though, I'm going through my biggest relapse since first getting help 5 years ago.

I'm not quite at the stage of another 'final bike ride', but certainly on a level of cup final day 2010 when I sat in my bedroom watching Warrington win the cup while polishing off 3 full bottles of Lidl whisky, a very low point.

One rule for everyone else...

Am I too soft on everyone? Or is everyone else too tough on me?

Time after time, I'm let down by so-called friends. I have no problem being let down if I'm given notice, or at least if people have the decency to tell me at some point over the next 5 years why they flaked on plans.

Robert Andrew Ibbitson 27/08/1955 - 16/12/12

It's been a while since I blogged. The plan is to whack a number out over the next few days and continue from there.

Number one of this new batch of blogs is about my Dad. I've explained a lot about him and out relationship and have already mentioned what happened to him in 2008.

Full Relapse

Well folks, it's been a while. Nearly 6 months in fact. A lot has happened in that period and here's the start of filling you in.

We'll start off with my relapse this year, which coincided with my lack of blog activity.

Father and Son, Part Two

Well the gap between part one and this one has been a big one. Between working and lacking motivation, I've not been blogging so much. Now I don't have work getting in the way, I have more time to blog.

Dad didn't notice the change in me for a good while. There were two reasons for this. One was he only got to see me for 5 or 6 day a month and the other was because when I was visiting him, my problems stayed in Warrington.

Principles

Don't be fooled about the title, this post isn't about my principles. I don't have any of those.

Principles was one of the nicknames I gave to the dog, Prince. Prince would be part of my life for 15 years and he certainly made his mark.

TITA; Things That Annoy Me - Part Two

Well it's been a while since I last posted my musings and a lot has happened since then. First off though, I need to finish off blog projects that I have previously started. We'll start with the continuation of the things that annoy me. I had a lot of positive feedback from that one.

Wide Awake

Sleep regulation issues and sleep deprivation were accountable and caused by many of my mental health issues. It's hard to pinpoint which started first, the cyclothymia, or the problems with sleep. They both started around the same time.

Not having a regular sleep pattern for 16 years was something I never got used to. It was frustrating, it was stressful and it contributed a great deal to depressive stages of my life.

Was I Wrong?

Well, 20 minutes ago I made a pretty big decision and I have no idea if it's the start of a relapse or if I made the right decision.

As most of you will know, I've been working as an agency temp since the start of the year and putting in a hefty 12 hours a day, Monday to Friday. The work was monotonous. 11 hours a day, stood on your feet, in one spot, checking the strength of the base on bleach bottles. It was very much physically draining.

Father And Son, Part Number One

The title of this blog entry is pretty self-explanatory. This one is about my old man, and my relationship with him.

It was nothing short of a rollercoaster ride over the years. The ride, as most of you will know, was tragically cut short a few years ago.

Relationships And Sex: Drugged To Legend

I left off yesterday with the tale of Louise and how I was led on and left heartbroken. That wasn't quite the end of that story though.

The final chapter of that situation ended up with a very short spell in Warrington A&E and it was certainly not through my doing that I ended up there

Relationships And Sex: All Sex, No Love

Well yesterday's blog ended rather abruptly and it may have seemed like Melody came off in a bad light. I only realised this after reading it back to myself and have since apologised to her.

Mel was exactly the kind of woman I wanted and I'll prove that point a bit later. We've got a lot more to cover before that though.

Relationships And Sex: Things To See And People To Do

This blog entry is going to delve very deeply into my love life. There will be some ewww moments, some back slapping from the men moments and some back slapping from the women moments.

I'll warn you now, some of this may be hard to believe and some of it may be seen as bragging. Everything I say will be the truth and I'll make sure I let you know when it's bragging. most of it isn't though

TITA; Things That Annoy Me - Part One

This may take some time to type, but it'll be fun for me nonetheless. Once you've read through it, feel free to add your own in the comments section, or even comment on some of the choices I have made.

This is going to be a big long list I feel

Beats And Tunes, The Music Of My Life

Most of you will like a song for it's lyrics and how they relate to you, or relate to life. I'm not one for listening to songs, I prefer listening to music. The music I listen to tends to have a direct effect on my mood, whereas if you're a listener of lyrics, the songs tend to reflect your mood.

This is why I like hard, fast and energetic music. I can actually feel my spirits being lifted by certain music. Hard dance, trance, jumpstyle, hardstyle and the like are always the first to go on my MP3 player. It's the kind of music the older folks would call 'just a load of thumping'. I'm a big lover of beats, but the actual tune that accompanies those beats can do wonders for my mood.

You Can Choose Your Own Family

Why have you got 20 written on your head? I was asked this on the 21st of August 2003 and little did I know, the person who asked it would later help save my life and become my sister.

It was of course my 20th birthday and someone had written the number 20 on my forehead with eyeliner. I was sitting on the red circular bench outside KFC on Abington St in Northampton. It was the haunt of the moshers/emos/goths/freaktards of Northampton and the surrounding areas. Think of it as the fountain and skittles of Warrington.

All's Well That Ends Well

I wanted to move back to Northampton under my own steam. Sadly, the move would eventually be forced.

Back when I was 16, if you remember, my mother kicked me out and had discussed the subject openly with my brother but hadn't even hinted anything to me. Well this repeated itself when she informed me that she had been planning to move down to the Northampton area herself for a while. She had actually started the ball rolling.

Rehab Scene Two

I had made a choice. I was to leave Warrington and I had set a deadline of Summer 2012 and there was no way I was changing my mind.

The plan wasn't just to start in a new town, it would be to start my life again, completely. A new home, a new family, new friends and even a new name.

Rehab Scene One

I didn't have to wait long to get onto the second step of the ladder and since that appointment with Dr Wrong, my mood improved a hell of a lot.

First up was an assessment, which was quite nerve racking. I had walked to the appointment, but you can't tell the mother that, she gave me bus fare. The bus fare was spent on a packet of smokes though and with my nerves, I needed the smokes more than I needed to get the bus. It was only at the hospital in Warrington anyway, not so much of an issue.

The Voices In My Head

I have no idea yet if this will be harder to write than my piece about suicide, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

I've never had voices in my head telling me to do bad things. In fact, I don't even have a police record, I've never been in trouble with the law before. The voices in my head are my own creation. The creations lead to scenarios in my head that can go on for hours. Let me try and explain.