The Voices In My Head

I have no idea yet if this will be harder to write than my piece about suicide, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

I've never had voices in my head telling me to do bad things. In fact, I don't even have a police record, I've never been in trouble with the law before. The voices in my head are my own creation. The creations lead to scenarios in my head that can go on for hours. Let me try and explain.

Through the depressive stages of my cyclothymia, my insomnia would hit the worst and I'd be downstairs trying to pass the time, while the rest of Britain was tucked up into bed. Something would then come into my head. A situation I was in, a situation I wanted to be or a situation that I feared I would end up in.

I'd act out these scenarios, again, just in my head, although I would whisper my lines in the scenarios out loud. Had I have done this in front of people, maybe I would have received psychiatric help much sooner. I'd do it while I was alone though and I'd pace up and down the living room, or my bedroom as I acted them out. Think of it as your run of the mill sleeping dream, but I was awake, fully conscious and able to carry out other tasks at the same time.

There'd be the unrealistic ones. Playing for Warrington for example. Or the happy ones, like meeting the right lass and settling down with her. These ones were quite positive and could last for 4 or 5 hours. I'd be pacing up and down the living room all night, probably walking around 10 miles, without even leaving my living room.

There'd also be the depressive ones. Such as car accidents, train crashes, lots of injuries to myself and other. Being a hero was a common theme. Receiving injuries while saving someone from the path of an oncoming car for example.

There was a pattern to the time and frequency of these scenario session. It was when my mind wasn't being stimulated. If I was sat at my computer, or watching a film, or even outdoors then I didn't get them. It was when I wasn't active. My imagination would run wild and once I'd started, it was hard to stop.

I remember at one point though, realising that whenever I got out of bed and went towards my bedroom door, the voice in my head, coming from someone else would always say “Did you hear what happened to Danny?”. This would be the precursor to a long storyline in my head that could end up with me being a hero, or dead.

I knew I was doing it, but I couldn't stop myself. It's very hard to put it into words so that you'll understand. Movies in my mind, daydreams on speed, maybe.

The reason it went on for so long was because I would only do it while alone. My mother went to bed and I'd go downstairs, make a brew and off we went. Then when I heard her and the dog stirring, the scenario would end and I'd go upstairs again, usually to sleep.

When I was ready to settle down for some sleep, another problem would present itself. I've already said that these scenarios came when I wasn't actively doing something. Well, laying down ready to fall asleep is about the most inactive you can be apart from during sleep itself. My mind would go into overdrive and more often than not, I'd be lay there in the dark, stories running through my head for another 3 hours.

These scenarios contributed to my insomnia, as well as exacerbating it. I couldn't get out of the deep, deep hole it was causing.

The person who sent me a message on Twitter last night was right. Trying to write about voices in your head is very, very difficult. They've become very limited lately though. I'd say it's mostly because I'm a lot more active now, it's rare that I can't find something to do. Part of my medication helps me to fall asleep more easily and I've started to be able to control my own thoughts.

The medication means I don't feel emotions either. It's a bit of a bummer not really feeling happiness or elation. I tell you something though, that loss is totally worth it considering I don't feel the emotions at the other end of the scale either. The sadness, the depression, the helplessness and every other negative emotion that blighted my life for the previous two decades.

I have no idea if this special edition blog has confused you more, or made you more aware of the problems people with severe depression face. Maybe you'll catch a loved one doing this and you'll start to see other signs that I have shown you may happen through my story.

More than one person has said I should write a book about my experiences and to be honest, I've had the thought on more than one occasion over the years. Will I ever get round to it? Well, the motivation for writing these blogs hasn't escaped yet, so you never know. I'd certainly be willing to listen to any financial incentives from any publishers reading this.